The Terrible Tenancy of Doctor Noxious
by Little Jackie Papercut
Summary: Peter rented out a room for some extra money. And that was the first mistake.
1. In Which Things Get Freaky

No, I don't own Family Guy. Stop asking me.  
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"Hey guys, guess what?"

Everyone looked up as Peter rushed into the living room, grinning ear to ear. "You finally got rid of the evil monkey?" Chris guessed.

"Even better! Lois, y'know that dream vacation we've been talkin' about?"

"Yeah, Peter, what about it?"

"Well, soon we'll finally be able to afford it!"

"Let me guess," Brian ventured. "You found a penny under the sofa?"

"No, I rented out a room to some guy."

At this Lois immediately looked up at him, perplexed. "Wait, what room?"

Peter returned her look with an equally confused one. "What do you mean, what room?"

"I mean, what room did you rent?"

"Oh, right, that," he said, thinking. "Hm, what room, what room... uh..."

A long silence followed as Peter tried to remember what room. Eventually, Brian stood up. "Well, I'm going to head down to the Drunken Clam now..." he said as walked out. Everyone else remained seated, waiting for Peter's answer. The next day, they were still waiting, now sleeping on the sofa. "Oh yeah, that's right!" Peter exclaimed suddenly, causing everyone to jolt awake. "I rented Meg's room!"

"WHAT?!" his daughter exclaimed, rounding on him. "Then where will I sleep?"

"Hey, don't worry about it. You can sleep in the attic," Peter responded, as though it was perfectly common for people to sleep in dark, filthy, and cramped attics.

"The attic! But I..."

"Now, Meg, we all have to make sacrifices sometimes," Lois interrupted. "Now go move your things into the attic."

With an angry groan, Meg stomped up the stairs. The others watched her go as Brian entered the room. "Hey, what'd I miss?" he asked, resuming his former seat.

"Peter rented Meg's room," Lois explained.

"Saw that coming," Brian said in a saw-that-coming kind of voice.

"So when's this guy gonna show up?" Lois asked.

Peter checked his watch, which was odd because for the first thing this had no bearing on his answer and for the second thing he wasn't wearing a watch to begin with. "First thing tomorrow," he responded. And of course, not three seconds later, the doorbell rang, because in fact it was tomorrow already.

Standing outside was a man... well, not so much a man, really, as an outfit. Under his hooded coat his face could only be seen from the nose down. He seemed to be wearing gloves, and a pair of rather immaculate dress pants. He was carrying a suitcase in one hand and what appeared to be a small animal carrier in the other. Lois stared for a moment before remembering her manners. "Hello," she said as politely as one could expect, "I suppose you must be Mr., uh..."

"Noxious," he stated simply, with a voice that could cut steel, "Dr. Noxious, occultist."

"Okay then... isn't it a bit hot to be wearing all that?"

It was impossible to see his eyes, but he was blinking, slowly. "What do you mean?" he asked, in a bewildered tone, as though he didn't realize he was wearing anything out of the ordinary. Lois and Peter exchanged a glance at this, but said nothing more about it.

"Well, uh, I should probably show you the room now, huh?" Peter said, taking the suitcase. He tried to take the carrier as well, but Dr. Noxious stopped him.

"Please, I'd rather you didn't," he said. Peter shrugged and proceeded to lead him to Meg's room.

By this time, Meg had somehow managed to clear all her belongings out of the room. "Here it is," Peter said with a sweeping gesture as Dr. Noxious proceeded to inspect the room. He rapped on every surface, took a good close look at the walls, and even smelled the carpet for good measure.

"It's a little small," he said, "but I like it. The rest of my effects will be here tomorrow morning." He set the carrier in a corner and stepped outside. Peter placed the suitcase near the carrier, then reached a hand out to it. "And don't touch that," came Dr. Noxious' voice from the stairs. Peter jerked back, then backed slowly away.

* * *

Later that day at the Drunken Clam, Peter was discussing his new tenant with Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire. "I'm tellin' ya, guys, when I talked to him on the phone he sounded normal, but when he showed up he was..." 

"A few teeth short of a wolf pack?" Cleveland suggested.

"Likely to do something someone else could regret?" Joe added.

"More unstable than a recently drugged gymnast?" contributed Quagmire.

"Yeah, one of those," Peter concluded with a shrug. "I'm just wonderin' if it was really such a good idea to rent him the room."

"Well, let's see," Joe said. "Is he paying for it?"

"Yeah."

"Then it's worth it."

"Works for me," Peter said, downing another beer. "Anyone see any good movies lately?"

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For the record, Dr. Noxious, Occultist, has nothing at all to do with Dr. Orpheus. Any similarities are purely coincidental. So please don't point out similarities between Dr. Noxious and Dr. Orpheus. Any similarities between this story and specific Family Guy episodes are also purely coincidental, but I do want you to point those out, as I made a conscious effort _not_ to do that when I could avoid it.


	2. My Son Vlad

No, I don't own Family Guy. Stop asking me.  
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**Episode 1: My Son Vlad**

It had taken no time for Dr. Noxious to get comfortable living with the Griffins. He had discarded the winter coat he was wearing when he arrived, and now he always seemed to be wearing a lab coat in its place. The absence of a hood had revealed long, dark hair, past his shoulders, that looked rather as though it had never been properly cared for. It contrasted sharply with his white lab coat, white pants, white gloves and shiny white shoes. His eyes still could not quite be seen, on account of the safety goggles that he seemed to wear constantly, even when there was no need for them. There was something about his angular face that gave him the appearance of an emaciated dog, or perhaps a ferret.

At any rate, he stayed mostly out of the way, working constantly in a corner of Meg's former room. It wasn't so much that he worked through his fatigue, as that he never seemed to get tired to begin with; if any of the Griffins stayed awake and listened, they would hear strange noises coming from the room all night, and yet in the morning he was fresh as a six-foot profoundly insane daisy. His only prolonged interactions with the family were when he had been invited to share a meal with them, and though he was good company he seemed not to enjoy these occasions. Instead he preferred to procure his own meals and eat while he worked.

But perhaps this explanation has gone on a little too long. You don't want to know what Dr. Noxious looks like, or how he gets along with the family, do you? All you want is the hilarious situations. Well, I can't say that I blame you, so I'm going to try and get right to the point. I only felt a bit of background concerning our houseguest was in order.

At any rate, one day Chris was doing his science homework. Well, not so much doing, really, as watching. He was staring at the paper as if daring it to make a move.

"Argh!" he exclaimed. "I can't take it! This assignment is way too hard!" After that he resumed staring a bit more, and finally he stood. He walked downstairs to the living room, where Meg was watching TV by herself.

"Hey Meg, where are Mom and Dad?" he asked.

"Don't you remember, Chris? They went to that sci-fi convention with Brian."

* * *

Peter was dressed as Captain Kirk, while Lois was dressed as Princess Leia. They were waiting for the winner of the costume contest to be decided when a robot with a protruding laser rolled up. 

"You guys ready?" it asked in an electronic voice, which of course was to be expected from a robot.

"Man, Brian, I love your Dalek costume," Peter said. "It's almost like I'm looking at the real thing."

A panel opened on the front of the robot, revealing Brian's head. "Thanks," he said, "would you believe it's made almost entirely out of cardboard? Took me months, too."

"Well, you're a shoe-in to win the costume contest," Lois informed him.

Just then the judges came to a decision. "The winner of the costume contest is R2-D2," came the announcement, and a small child wearing a colander on his head happily claimed the prize. All three gave irritated sighs.

* * *

"Oh, yeah, that's right," Chris said. "Well, poop. Now who's going to help me with my homework?" 

"I could help you," Meg offered.

When Chris stopped laughing, Meg glared for a moment before adding, "Or there's that Dr. Noxious guy. I bet he could help you."

"Well, I'll ask him, but he scares me a little," Chris replied as he ascended the stairs.

Dr. Noxious' door was slightly open. Chris knocked, then, receiving no answer, poked his head inside. "Mr. Noxious?" he said, spotting the man hard at work. At the words, Noxious whirled to face him.

"It's Dr. Noxious, please," he corrected. "You surprised me, I didn't hear you knock. Come on in."

The room appeared to have become inexplicably larger, but then again, Chris rarely entered this room so he couldn't be sure. Along one wall was a table covered in beakers and vials, research notes and reference materials, and a few things Chris preferred not to think about; the carrier was positioned on the end of this table. Another wall was lined with machinery of unknown origin and purpose. There was no bed and Chris wondered where Noxious slept. The closet? It was wide open, and completely empty, so perhaps. Chris stepped inside and set his homework down on the table. "Y'see, Dr. Noxious, I can't understand my science homework and..."

"Not another word," Dr. Noxious interrupted, moving to get a better look at the paper. Immediately he began jotting something down, apparently oblivious to the banging noises now emanating from the carrier. Chris looked from Noxious to the carrier, and again, and when Dr. Noxious took no notice, he approached the container. He tried to peer through the bars, but couldn't see anything at all. It was as if something inside was warding off light, to stop him from seeing it. With another glance at Noxious, who was completely distracted, he stuck his finger through the bars.

"Ow!" he yelped, jerking back as he felt something inside bite him. The doctor's head turned at the noise. "What happened?" he asked, in a tone that sounded more genuinely curious than worried or angry.

"I just..."

"Better put something on it."

"Huh?"

"You're bleeding. Don't worry, it's not poisonous."

Chris looked down at his finger, then hurried to get a bandage. A minute later, he returned, and Dr. Noxious showed him the paper. "Here," he said, "now you should be able to understand it." There were notes all over the paper explaining everything in very simple terms.

"Gee, thanks, Dr. Noxious," Chris said, taking the paper and leaving. Noxious thought for a minute, then chuckled and returned to his work. "We'll see what happens," he said to himself.

* * *

The next day, the family was eating breakfast. Well, most of the family was eating breakfast. Chris was staring at breakfast. He didn't seem to have an appetite this morning. 

"Oh, good morning, Dr. Noxious," Lois said as the man entered the room. "You don't usually eat with us."

"I felt hungry this morning," he explained indifferently. Despite this, he didn't seem to be eating anything. Chris poked his food for a while, then suddenly, glancing at the clock, shot out of his seat.

"Oh no, I'm gonna be late!" he cried, dashing out the door.

As Chris approached the school, he pulled his cap over his eyes. "The sun sure is bright today," he commented.

It was cloudy.

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

In his hurry, Chris arrived in class early. "Chris," said the teacher, looking somewhat surprised, "you're early."

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"Today," the teacher announced once every student was seated, "we will be learning about the fall of the Roman empire."

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"Hey, Chris," said a semi-attractive girl sitting next to Chris, "do you wanna come over to my place tonight?" Chris nodded stiffly.

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"I see you got the meatloaf," said one of Chris' friends at lunch.

"Yeah, but it tastes different today for some reason," Chris replied.

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"It looks like you had an allergic reaction to something you ate," said the school nurse. "You should go home."

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"Is the dramatic fanfare machine working?" asked one sound effects guy.

"It seems to be stuck in the 'on' position," responded another.

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"Chris, are you feeling better?" Lois asked as Chris hurried out the door that night.

"Yeah, I'm fine!" he called back, and was gone.

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"Oh, hi Chris! I was starting to wonder if you'd ever show up," the girl from Chris' class began. "So do you w..." she fell silent as his mouth covered hers, and backed into the house.

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

Fast-forward to a few days later. Downstairs, the family was watching the news.

"...a semi-attractive local girl has gone missing," said Tom Tucker, and a picture of Chris' classmate appeared on the screen. "There is a reward for anyone who comes forward with information."

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

At this point Lois stood up and screamed, "I can't take any more of this damn dramatic fanfare! It has to stop, one way or another!"

"Hang on," called the first sound effects guy from somewhere offscreen, "I think we've almost got it."

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"Okay, there we go," he said. "That should stop it."

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"No, wait sorry, hang on..."

DRAMATIC FANFARE!

"There, now we've got it for sure."

Now from somewhere offscreen the Llama Song began playing. Lois sighed angrily, but continued as though it wasn't. "Have a good day at school," she said to Chris.

"What?" he called over the music, cupping his hand to his ear.

"I said 'have a good day at school'!"

"What?"

"I said... oh, just go!" she said, shooing him out the door.

At school, Chris was talking to some of his friends.

"So, I heard that semi-attractive girl disappeared," said one of them.

"Yeah, I bet she ran away because she couldn't stand living in Quahog, and..." began another.

"Wait a minute, Jimmy," the first cut in. "Are you about to go through a movie summary with her as the main character?"

"Uh... maybe."

"Save it then, it's not funny."

"Oh, come on! It's a great running gag!"

"Look, you don't know the first thing about..."

Whatever it was that Jimmy didn't know the first thing about, his friend never got a chance to say it, because that was when the bell rang, and class was about to start. Chris was about to leave when his friend spoke again. "Hey, come to think of it, Chris, weren't you at her house that night? Did she say anything to you?"

Chris looked at his friend for a moment, then looked up and down the hallway. "You really want to know?" he asked, taking a few steps toward the other boy, who nodded eagerly.

A few minutes later, Chris arrived in class. "You're late," the teacher said, turning to face him as he entered.

"Sorry," Chris said, "I got thirsty, so I stopped for a drink."

"Just take your seat so we can get on with the lesson."

The rest of the day passed fairly uneventfully, until Chris arrived at home. Lois opened the door sometime in the afternoon to find Chris just standing there. His hat was now covering his face entirely. "Chris, what are you doing?" she asked, not sounding the least bit surprised that he was out there.

"Y'know, I'm not really sure," he said. "I just can't seem to get through the door."

There was a long silence, and when Lois spoke her tone was a bit annoyed. "Well, stop fooling around and get in here," she told him. "Dinner's almost ready, and Dr. Noxious is joining us today." Automatically, Chris shuffled inside.

Nobody seemed interested in conversation during dinner that evening. For some reason Dr. Noxious had insisted on using his own utensils, and seemed quite interested in them. Chris seemed to wince every time he took a bite, and Lois was becoming visibly annoyed with this. Savoring her frustration, Stewie tipped his full glass onto the floor, and Lois quite nearly screamed before Noxious spoke. "I'll clean it up, you just keep eating," he said quickly. He stood...

...and immediately his feet, unable to find dry ground, flew out from under him and he landed on his back, which was now sopping wet. The spoon, which he had not set down yet, slid from his hand across the floor, stopping next to Chris. He remained in that position for a few seconds, blinking in confusion at his new view of the ceiling, then righted himself in a manner that looked rather as though he had been dragged to his feet by his hair, instead of standing by his own effort, and continued as if it hadn't happened at all. Chris, wanting to help, reached down for the fallen spoon. When he touched it, however, it felt warm. Well, not warm. Hot. Actually, hot wasn't quite right either. It felt like Chris had thrust the palm of his hand into the sun, and the sensation was not a pleasant one. He jerked back instantly, and almost fell out of his seat.

"Chris," Lois began, now thoroughly perturbed, "if you're not going to eat your garlic potatoes, you should just go to your room."

"Okay," Chris said quickly, hurrying to his room.

* * *

In the morning, Chris didn't stop to eat breakfast. He was halfway out the door when Brian spotted him. "Hey, Chris, wait a minute," he called. 

Freezing as if caught in the middle of some atrocity, Chris turned to face Brian. "What?"

"Here, take a look at this," Brian said, tossing a coin in Chris' direction.

As soon as Chris caught it, a searing pain shot up his arm. "Ah! What is this?" he yelled, dropping it almost instantly.

"It's silver." Brian's face was completely unreadable, and not because he was a dog. "The spoon Dr. Noxious was eating with yesterday was also silver. You couldn't eat because the food was loaded with garlic."

Chris gave him a look as if he hadn't yet registered what Brian had said. "What are you trying to get at?" he asked casually.

"You're a vampire."

There was a long pause as the two stared at each other. Chris was the first to move, as he sprang at Brian, aiming straight for the neck. Brian, however, anticipated this, and dodged easily. "Come on, Brian," Chris said plaintively, "just let me bite you and get it over with!"

"Uh, let me think about that... duh, NO!"

"But think about it... then you'd be a vampire..."

"Give it up, Chris, you're really bad at sales pitches," Brian informed him. "Remember when you helped come up with a slogan for McDonald's?"

* * *

Chris was talking to Ralph Alvarez. "How about... 'I'm Lovin' It'?" Chris suggested. Ralph thought for a second. 

"Nah," he said, "it sounds retarded."

"Well how about... 'Shut Up and Eat Our Food'?"

"No, I don't think so."

"'We'll Fatten You Up'?"

"No way, kid."

"What about 'We're Surprisingly Unsatisfying'?"

By now Ralph appeared to be getting a very bad headache. "Can we go back to 'I'm Lovin' It'?" he asked.

* * *

Chris shrugged. "Guess we'll just do it the hard way, then," he said, lunging again. 

"Like hell we will," Brian retorted, shoving a clove of garlic in his face. With a scream, Chris turned and ran out the door.

If you're wondering why the sunlight didn't kill Chris, you need to stop reading so many ghost stories. They're sensitive to light, but not that sensitive.

"Crap," Brian muttered, giving chase.

The two ran until they reached the school. Chris disappeared inside, and Brian stopped short. Because now, marching steadily toward him, were Chris' friend and a semi-attractive girl.

And behind them were roughly 200 other vampires.

And behind them was a school that was presumably still teeming with vampires, just waiting for him.

"Looks like it's time for the big guns," Brian said to himself, gripping a silver cross he had found last night and was now on a chain about his neck.

Without wasting any time, he sprang into action, leaping onto the heads of the vampires and firing what appeared to be a squirt gun full of holy water. Several vampires crept up behind him, and met a faceful of garlic powder. As they staggered back, he scattered silver coins all around him. A few stepped on them, and leapt back, clutching their feet.

Now using his cross as a surprisingly effective shield, Brian continued to combat the vampires in this manner, hardly noticing as a black-clad figure swept past him. He caught a glimpse of silver hair, past the shoulders, that looked as though it had never been properly tended.

The figure threw open the doors of the school and strode confidently inside, seeming not to even notice the vampires swarming around him. He followed a path that almost seemed rehearsed, even though he had never been here before and had in fact never seen the person he was looking for. Shortly he arrived at the principal's office.

Chris, seated behind the desk, snarled at the intruder, but hesitated as the figure reached inside his black priestly robes and his gloved hand procured a hand mirror. With no hesitation, the figure produced a needle with his other hand and plunged it into Chris' chest.

If Chris screamed, nobody heard it. He seemed frozen in place, until finally he slumped to the floor, in front of a pair of shiny black shoes.

Before he fell unconscious, he had time to wonder why this man was wearing pilot's goggles.

Several days later, Chris awoke in the hospital. "Ow, my head," he groaned. "What happened?"

Brian looked him in the eye, a look that suggested he was searching for something. Slowly, he took Chris' hand and pressed something into it.

Chris looked down and saw that it was a silver coin.

"What's this for?" he asked, confused.

"Oh, nothing," Brian said, taking a seat.

"You just collapsed at school," Lois said. "The doctors don't know what happened, but apparently it's an epidemic of some kind. They say you'll be free to go in a couple days."

There was a moment of silence. "I just hope I don't have to eat any hospital potatoes while I'm here," Chris said mostly to himself.

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And so it is. Who is this mysterious stranger? Well, I'm not telling you! Remember to review, it makes Zeke happy.

Look, if it makes you feel better, I apologize for the quality of this chapter. I know I should try not to do that, but in this case I feel it may be warranted. I was working under some unexpected time constraints, and I couldn't seem to get where I was going without making the chapter much longer than I'm comfortable with. Please don't hit me. And for the record, I wasn't taking my time and I wasn't trying to finish it quickly. I genuinely didn't have enough time to work on this, and if a part of it seems rushed it's just because this chapter sucks.


	3. Stewie's Electric Circus

No, I don't own Family Guy. Stop asking me. I also don't own Static Shock.  
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**Episode 2: Stewie's Electric Circus**

In the Griffin household, the unthinkable had happened. Stewie had become bored.

"Lois!" he called, wandering from room to room with malevolent intent. "Lois!" Wherever he looked, though, his mother wasn't there. "Where the devil are they?" he said to himself as he stopped outside the one room he hadn't checked yet. It was unlikely but he might as well try it. The door wasslightly ajarso he pushedit open and stepped inside.

Out of nowhere, a beam of energy hit him. He stood frozen in place for a moment, then toppled to the ground. "What the deus?"

"Stewie?" Dr. Noxious stepped into view. "What are you doing in here?"

"Looking for Lois and the fat man," Stewie responded. "Have you seen them?"

"Oh,. they went to the store," Noxious said, nodding. "They'll be back soon. But you got lucky. That beam was supposed to cook my lunch," he said, pointing to an apple on the floor. "It's a good thing it didn't work... your parents would have killed me if it had."

Stewie shuddered at the thought of what the beam could have done to him, and made a mental note to avoid this room in the future. "So, I guess I should be leaving now," he said, backing toward the door. By now, Noxious was already adjusting the maching that had fired the beam,so Stewie slipped out unnoticed..

* * *

The next day, Lois took Stewie to the playground. 

"So we're coming back here again," Stewie said to himself. "I never really liked this place, but ruling it was fun for a while. Maybe I can have another go at it."

While he was talking to himself, another child approached him. "Hey, do you want to be friends?" asked the child, tapping him on the shoulder. Stewielooked back at him andbrushed his hand aside. As he did so, the child winced.

"What's the matter with you?" Stewie asked. "I barely touched you, that shouldn't have hurt."

"You shocked me!" said the kid. "You shocked me!"

"No, but I'll do worse if you don't shut up," Stewie said, placing his fingertip on the child's forehead. The child screamed in pain as electricity crackled. "Oh my," commented Stewie. "I don't know what's going on but it appears that I'm just like that superhero, Static Shock!"

Static Shock happened to be standing directly behind Stewie. "What? You're nothing like me!" he objected. "For one thing, you're evil!"

"And bloody proud of it!" Stewie exclaimed, turning and drawing a ray gun. Static screamed and ran away.

By now, of course, with a terrified superhero and a child who had been inexplicably shocked running around screaming, the park was becoming somewhat chaotic.

"I think we should go home now," Lois said, picking up Stewie and placing him in the car.

For the whole drive home, Stewie was contemplating ways he could use his newfound powers.

* * *

"So you see, Mr. West," Stewie concluded, "your choices are simple. Either finance my nefarious plot with taxpayer money, or be destroyed." 

"That's very nice, kid," Mayor West told him. "Would you like to see my shiny keys?"

Stewie stared, incredulous. "No, I do not want to see your blasted keys!" he shouted, leaping onto the mayor's desk and grabbing him by the collar. "You have until the count of three! One! Two!"

At this point the sound of breaking glass filled the room. At once, both turned to see that the window in the corner of the room had shattered inward. A trail of glass led to a filing cabinet. "Who's there?" Adam West demanded, stepping closer to the cabinet. Pulling open the bottom drawer, he saw that, instead of papers, a ninja was crammed into it. Instantly the figure sprang out, and each of the other drawers flew open as more ninjas followed suit.

"Mayor Adam West," the ninja leader announced, "today is the day you die. Our client is sick of your reign of incompetence."

"If you think you can take me, then bring it on," West challenged.

"Hold on just a second!" Stewie interrupted. "I was threatening him first! You wait your turn!"

"Well, how about this," said the ninja. "We'll fight for it. Whoever wins gets to menace the mayor. Is that suitable for you?"

"Perfectly," Stewie replied with a grin.

The moment he said this, three ninjas sprang into action. The first one rushed Stewie head-on, while the other two simply vanished. Stewie easily dodged the ninja's shuriken, but found himself in the air when the other two reappeared directly behind him. Twisting in midair, he managed to bring his palm into contact with one ninja's face, causing him to stagger back in pain as the elecricity surged through him. The other ninja was able to catch Stewie and fling him toward the door. West, meanwhile, was dealing with two ninjas himself. He blocked a punch from the ninja leader before his partner attempted a sweep kick, but West managed to land on his hands and flip himself into the air. As he descended he delivered a powerful kick to the chest of the leader. "Excellent work, sir," Alfred said, punching the dazed leader in the face.

Stewie had landed on his feet, and now he took the initiative against the ninjas attacking him. He sprang off the head of the shuriken-tossing ninja, and used his falling momentum to angle a punch. The ninja caught the punch, but instantly pulled back his hand as he too felt the burning sensation. Airborne once more, Stewie aimed for Mayor West this time, but West caught him by the leg and swung him in a wide arc, beating the ninjas with his head.

In midswing, Stewie kicked off his shoe. It bounced off the top of Adam West's head and hit the ninja leader square in the face. He then tapped his exposed toe to Alfred's wrist, causing the man to flinch. Alfred held on as long as he could, but was forced to released Stewie, sending him straight back to the three ninjas he had been fighting before. He slammed into them like a bowling ball slams into pins.

The two ninjas who had been fighting Adam West both took this opportunity to hurl shuriken at Stewie. However, he caught them effortlessly and hurled them back, turning them into electrically-charged projectiles which knocked out both after striking only their arms.

Grabbing a dagger from one of the defeated ninja, Stewie now approached Mayor West. "It's time you funded my doomsday device!" he cried, readying the weapon.

"Okay, okay!" West said. "How much do you need?

* * *

At home, Stewie had finished building his machine in the backyard. "No ordinary power source would be sufficient," he said. "But with my electrical powers, I myself can become the power source for this machine and use it to hold the entire world ransom! It only requires my complete concentration..." 

"Who are you talking to?" Brian, who had been standing right behind Stewie, asked.

"None of your beeswax, that's who! Now shut up while I power up the machine."

Saying this, Stewie placed both hands inside the machine, causing a small reaction. After a moment, he stuck his head in as well, and then climbed inside the machine entirely, stripping down to his diaper to gain maximum skin contact with the inside of the machine. Now it roared to life, and a message began to be broadcast around the world.

"Hello world," echoed Stewie's voice from every television, radio, and communication device. "I am now your supreme ruler. I have a doomsday device ready to destroy you all should so much as one insignificant insect disobey my whims..."

"Stewie!" called Lois, stepping out the back door. "You're missing Oprah!"

There was a pause. "What? No no no no no! I can't..." Stewie started, but was cut off when the machine overloaded and blew up. He was ejected from the interior and landed several feet away, facedown in front of Brian, slightly singed.

"I figured that would happen."

"You shut up!" Stewie cried, placing his palm flat against Brian's nose and the other against his stomach.

Several seconds passed.

"Uh, what are you doing? It's kind of annoying," Brian said. Stewie removed his hands and stared at them. He had lost his power in that overload.

"Well," Stewie said to himself, "I haven't done anything quite that meaningless since I played Good Riddance for those deaf kids."

* * *

Stewie was seated in the middle of a group of children, holding a guitar. The children didn't seem to be fully aware of what was going on. 

After a moment of silence, his hands began to move over the strings. He picked out the notes and played the false starts from "Good Riddance" by Green Day.

Then he tossed the guitar aside. He drew a ray gun and shot all the children, yelling "Good riddance!" with every shot.

* * *

"Oh, that was fun. Well, all good things must come to an end," he reasoned. 

"Speaking of ending, you better hurry if you want to catch the last few minutes of Oprah," Brian reminded him.

"Oh, thanks... wait, what was that tone in your voice?'

"What tone?"

"Don't play dumb, you know what tone."

"No, Stewie, I really don't."

"Well, alright then." And with that Stewie turned and went back inside as Brian chuckled to himself.

"That kid just never learns."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Shocking, isn't it? I almost thought he was going to win this time. Short chapter after a long delay, I know. I've been working on lots of other things.


End file.
